I want good stuff to happen to me in life. Indeed I do. I want things around me to run like clockwork. I want my needs met and then some. I’d like to be comfortable. The world today is full of rules about how things don’t work out a lá Murphy ’s Law and Peter’s Law. But I don’t want that to be me. I want things around me to be different.
Deserving is the question that pops up anytime I express a desire for good. The worst part of it is that this question is the sort that brings more with it – Have I done enough to earn this? Have I been good enough to get this? Am I worth it? I am human and I’d like to feel that I’ve done something to get it. That I’ve worked hard enough or smart enough or am somehow better than those who don’t have it. But the truth is that; I haven’t done enough to get good stuff and even if I estimate that I have, there are people who have done more than me, who are ‘better’ than me and who are ‘worth’ more that also want these good things and don’t get them. I feel guilty. Why do I have these things and others don’t?
I now realize that the question of deserving should not be asked because it can’t be answered fairly. Any attempt at an answer brings pain and takes away from my gratitude for what I get. I have to accept that these things happen ‘just because’. To discard the question is to accept what I get unconditionally – not taking my validation from how good I am or how worthy I am. I accept them with humility and thanks because they happen ‘just because’. By removing the question of deserving, my lack of ‘qualifications’ don’t block my desire. The outcomes are’t affected. This is my resolution.