Screening

I recently had cause to have medical screening done after having suffered a health challenge that caused me to be admitted in the hospital. I had to wait about two days for the results. Only someone who has taken such tests can understand the kind of anxiety I felt while waiting. I felt fine and there was nothing wrong with me – or was there? Every symptom and discomfort played itself over and over in my mind. It really got me thinking about self examination and what it should mean to me. Often I am so focused on what is on the outside and what I can immediately fix that I often ignore the invisible and what’s inside. But the real truth is that the invisible gives birth to the visible just as invisible – to the naked eye – germs and stuff affect the visible things that like the symptoms of the illness that I felt. I was so concerned about the results of a test which I took because I saw some symptoms but am I just as concerned when I notice some things in my life and need to do evaluation? Am I as concerned about my motives and thoughts as I am about my health? I am sure health is important but also just as important is the state of my heart – my motives and whys, my driving factors and choices. It is just as important to search within to find out what has gone wrong as it is to deal with symptoms and things that go wrong on the outside. It is easy to ignore the vital area of screening with a wave of the hand and the saying ‘No use crying over spilt milk’ but the oh-so-important aspect of screening cannot be ignored in the process of growing up.

Sure, I could go on and on without once thinking back on what I’ve done and how it’s affected me but a wise man once said that someone who doesn’t remember the past is condemned to repeat it. Repeating the past is not a sign of wisdom and certainly not of growing up. I want to grow up and i’ll do what needs to be done.

Settling the Question of ‘Deserving’.

I want good stuff to happen to me in life. Indeed I do. I want things around me to run like clockwork. I want my needs met and then some. I’d like to be comfortable. The world today is full of rules about how things don’t work out a lá Murphy ’s Law and Peter’s Law. But I don’t want that to be me. I want things around me to be different.

Deserving is the question that pops up anytime I express a desire for good. The worst part of it is that this question is the sort that brings more with it – Have I done enough to earn this? Have I been good enough to get this? Am I worth it? I am human and I’d  like to feel that I’ve done something to get it. That I’ve worked hard enough or smart enough or am somehow better than those who don’t have it. But the truth is that; I haven’t done enough to get good stuff and even if I estimate that I have, there are people who have done more than me, who are ‘better’ than me and who are ‘worth’ more that also want these good things and don’t get them. I feel guilty. Why do I have these things and others don’t?

I now realize that the question of deserving should not be asked because it can’t be answered fairly. Any attempt at an answer brings pain and takes away from my gratitude for what I get. I have to accept that these things happen ‘just because’.  To discard the question is to accept what I get unconditionally – not taking my validation from how good I am or how worthy I am. I accept them with humility and thanks because they happen ‘just because’. By removing the question of deserving, my lack of ‘qualifications’ don’t block my desire.  The outcomes are’t affected. This is my resolution.

To the unknown

Tomorrow will be the day I leave the knowns of my life in Lagos for the unknown of another state that till a few days ago meant nothing more to me than “states and capitals” of social studies.

In the light of all that I hoped and dreamed of especially not wanting to go far from home, my desires have suddenly become simple. All I want is a simple life there; free of any distress and a place to stay. Nothing like the unknown to simplify tastes.

I have gone through the five stages of grief in the process of leaving home and I am in a sixth stage – hope. I grieve for the life I am leaving behind and for the people who will no longer be an earshot from me but I have hope; hope that I am going to meet a better life and that God is making a better place for me where I go. It is with hope and faith that I go.